I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. It's one of those things that I could just sense from a young age, I could feel it in my bones that it was already a part of my identity, and until I became a mother I just felt like I was waiting around for something that was... missing. I thought that I didn't want any kids until I was at least 30 years old, had done all of the things on my bucket list and was completely, 100% ready.
Little did I know that timing would be the first thing that surprised me about motherhood.
When I first met Blake I was just about to turn 21, and getting pregnant was easily the worst thing that I could imagine happening to me at the time. Alas, time is something that ceases to amaze me. By the time the wedding came, we had both grown up so much- I feel like we grew into different people. We started "trying" right away, and by February we found out I was pregnant. I wanted so badly (at the time) to be pregnant right away.
I constantly look back and thank God that it didn't happen any earlier than it did, or any later as a matter of fact. Even just a few months before getting pregnant we still had so much growth and learning to do as a couple. Any later, and I feel like I would have chickened out, gotten into trouble, or been too set in my ways. God has a way of knowing when we are ready: what we need and when we need it. I needed my Dean right when God gave him to me.
2. My life isn't over.
I know that sounds dramatic, but part of what scared me the most about motherhood was the idea that once I had a child, my own life would come to a stop. According to so many women that I talked to, I supposedly would no longer care about hair, makeup, travel, fashion, home decor. I would say goodbye to my sex life, my body, buying things for myself, and all of my super far-fetched dreams. I know that all sounds extreme but we as women truly do grow up believing (for the most part) that when we have a child we sacrifice everything else. And the worst part is, we glorify it. We are praised for saying things like "well, that doesn't happen any more" or "everything changes." I am not ashamed to say that I still care just as much about my appearance, my wardrobe, my hobbies, spending time with my friends, and my outrageous goals as I did before Dean was born. If anything, I care about them more! I want him to see a mother who is fulfilled, loves herself, and is her own person. If he sees his mother going after what she wants most and living her best life, what's to stop him from living his life the same way and hopefully finding a wife who takes care of herself and is just as motivated? If we stop our lives for our kids they are going to think the world revolves around them, and that it setting them up for failure because it certainly does not. Self love and individuality is so, so healthy.
3. How fast it goes by.
I know this shouldn't have been a surprise because on a regular basis everyone and their mother says "They grow up so fast!" But, it's true. They do grow up. SO. FAST.
It is still such a trip to me how I can close my eyes and picture Dean's littol newborn hands and feet and tiny littol body in my arms as I'm sitting in the rocking chair crying postpartum happy tears all over him. It felt so permanent in the moment. The entire newborn stage felt so incredibly permanent. Even pregnancy felt so permanent. I had a baby and he would be my baby forever. I gave birth to a baby and I would have a baby for a long time, or so I thought. I genuinely feel like I blinked and I have a 9 month old. This concept gives me a panic attack when I think about it because I know some day he will be my big giant 18 year old baby but it also is a comforting thought.
If everything goes by fast, so do the hard times. The nights that he was waking up every 2 hours went by fast, looking back. The days that he was crying from teething went by fast. Even the days where I was recovering postpartum went by in the blink of an eye. I wish I would have known that the hard times didn't have to feel permanent either.
4. Less anxiety.
For the most part, my anxiety has lessened tremendously since baby boy got here. I just... I feel like he is so great and amazing and such a blessing that all of the minute shit doesn't matter any more. I used to worry about the most insignificant little crap that genuinely doesn't phase me now. Don't get me wrong, I have my days and I have my triggers but for the most part I don't sweat the small stuff like I used to. I have bigger problems, bigger things to worry about. I don't have the time or energy to worry about insignificant details or opinions like I used to. It's beautiful, really.
There are so many details that were surprising to me, but I'll save that for another post. Baby products, pregnancy shockers, postpartum surprises, anything like that I can go into if you guys would like! I feel like there is so much that happens during the ride that's motherhood that isn't discussed and I am an OPEN BOOK.
As always, thank you for reading.
Like, from the bottom of my heart. If you have ever complimented my blog or instagram or hair posts or whatever, thank you. It genuinely makes my heart happy that someone even takes the time out of their day to click on this link and read these words. I'm awkward and bad at showing it but it genuinely makes my day.
lovelovelove,
Tanner
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